


Our Youthful Memories

by Eye_Candy



Category: Infinite (Band), Infinite - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6553390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eye_Candy/pseuds/Eye_Candy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Behind the veil of fiction, you sometimes find truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Youthful Memories

 

>  
> 
> _If you grabbed this book wishing for a something light and joyful to carry you away from troubles and routine, I suggest you to close it and seek for another one. This story is heavier than it looks. I have weighed every word, every comma, every point, hoping to get closer to the truth. This is a story about everything that makes life, but most of all, this is a story about love. LOVE in capital letters, to stand for a feeling everyone longs for but only a few get blessed with. Love is complicated to define because rare are the ones who can say they know it. The true nature of love is a feeling that never fade away, never erase. It leaves you with a pain that does more good than harm, as a metaphoric scar that permeates you. So, this is a story about love. But you should know upfront: this is not a love story._

 

Woohyun sighed as he stopped typing, considering to delete everything. Then again, his publisher was harassing him to get started with his new book and his editor was coming almost on a daily basis to check on his work, which was, up until now, inexistent. Nam Woohyun was a normal guy from a normal middle class family. He graduated University with a Bachelor degree in Literature and had been engaged by a very famous newspaper as a journalist. He wrote political and economic sections with a wit of his own and was considered pretty talented, but he was never truly happy. At night, he would come home and write about the disillusionment of a man whose childhood dream was to become a writer and found himself stuck with a job he disliked for economic reasons. It was the story of a loser who missed his life and realized it too late, during the dinner of his fortieth birthday. To try to rectify his life while there is still time, the man leaves family, work, city and launches into the unknown, driving his car. He drove all over the country, meeting people, some leaving deep impression on him, giving a sense to his life. Woohyun found himself with a thousand something pages manuscript and decided to ask his college best friend Lee Sungyeol for advice. The man was conveniently working in a publishing company so Woohyun thought he was the best person to turn to. Woohyun gave the manuscript to Sungyeol as a Christmas present, telling him as a joke that it was a future best seller and to not feel obligated to read it just because they were friends. On January 8th, when Woohyun last expected it, he received a call that would change his life. Even a year and half later, he remembered the exact words that were exchanged.

“Yobuseyo ?”

“Hello, I’m Kim Sunggyu from _Infinite Books_ , the publishing company. May I speak with Nam Woohyun-shi ?”

“This is he.”

“Well, I’m delighted. Nam Woohyun-shi, I have in my team a young editor who kept coaxing me into read your manuscript. I was sceptical since you’re a novice in the field, but the man was convincing. I must admit that I’m the kind of man who stays on his first impression. A journalist trying to convert himself into a novelist does not leave the best one. You are the first person that proved me wrong. I am deeply impressed with what you wrote and I want to publish it. Of course, there is many things to correct and change before we can grasp the final product, but I’ve got some good materials in here. If you agree to meet me over lunch, I will explain further on how we can make it possible.”

Woohyun stopped breathing at the mention of publishing. He stayed silent for a while, long enough to make his interlocutor ask if he was still here.

“Yes, I… I’m sorry, it’s kind of a lot to take in.” he said, feeling about to cry. “But yes, I agree on meeting you.”

That day, Woohyun went to the newspaper headquarters to hand his resignation. At noon, he met with Kim Sunggyu, the boss of _Infinite Books_ to discuss of a contract. On January 8 th, Nam Woohyun’s childhood dream of being a writer became true.

The manuscript was modified, and from thousands it decreased to 807 pages book he called _The Wanderings of a Lost Soul_. The success was immediate, beyond Woohyun’s and his publisher’s expectations. The critics were full of praise about him and the public got touched by the powerful yet moving portrait of this ordinary man to which everyone can relate, no matter their age or condition. Woohyun was propelled to the rank of celebrity before he could realise.

His book had to be reprinted three times and, at the end of the year, he received the most prestigious literary award in the country as _Book of the Year_ and an international award as _Breakthrough of the Year_. Infinite Books had received proposals for adaptations in drama and movie. He was requested for interviews and TV programs, people calling him a literary genius. Everything went too fast for him, to the point he got scared of writing again.

_The Wanderings of a Lost Soul_ was written for fun, to relieve stress from his dreary daily life. He never expected something he had created for his own pleasure to cause such a ruckus. What if it was just beginner's luck ? What if he wasn’t as talented as they all thought ? What if what he’ll write later will be a failure ? Woohyun was so worried over this that he faced a writer's block. He could not write anything that he found satisfying, not even a single line. It had been a year and a half now since his first book was published, and its success was beginning to falter. Of course, Woohyun could stop here because he gained enough money to last for a lifetime. But Woohyun wanted to be a writer. Writers don’t stop writing. Voltaire, Jane Austen, Victor Hugo… The writers he admired the most wrote till death stopped them. He wanted to be a writer too. He couldn’t stop just yet.

“You have talent. The rest, I deal with it.” Sunggyu assured him on their last meeting.

Woohyun had a massive problem. He wasn’t inspired. And unfortunately, he wasn’t the type of person who could write without inspiration. He tried to travel, to stay in public places to look at people, to listen to music… He couldn’t find it. In short, he was lost for words. Until very recently, that is, and all because of a certain Lee Sungyeol –who was his editor– A piece of advice though, don’t ever have a professional relationship with your best friend. They allow themselves too much on basis of friendship.

A few weeks ago, Sungyeol brought him an invitation for a dinner gathering destined to the University Graduates, he rolled his eyes and said he won’t go. But Sungyeol was a persistent man. He kept bugging him since he didn’t wanted to go alone –that selfish bastard– and was convinced that seeing their college classmates and recall memories could help Woohyun to write again. He remembered to scoff loudly at that. But since Sungyeol was annoying and it was, as he said, once every five years, Woohyun eventually gave in. He shouldn’t have. Oh dear Lord, he shouldn’t have.

 

 

> _Those who never experienced unrequited love are missing the essential part of this feeling. People saying that love must be shared to be real are either liars or deluded, or maybe both. If real love must be shared to be achieved in its perfection, unrequited love is the form that gets the closest to it. Unrequited love means one person is willing to do anything, including silence its own feelings and be condemned to a perpetual heartbreak, to guarantee the loved one happiness. How many people did it already? The one watching its beloved getting married to someone else and still stood by its side, offering smile and congratulations. The one being forced to listen to the romantic trials and tribulations of the one holding its heart, not allowed to give more than a friendly ear and a comforting shoulder. I cannot think of a greater misfortune to be seen as a friend by your loved one. It’s better to be nothing to your loved one than just a friend. It hurts less. There is two kind of love that can cause that much damage. The one that made you realise you lost your chance right from the beginning -unrequited love that we mentioned earlier- and the love you miss by being too late. That is the most cruel of all. In unrequited love, you know you have no chance whatsoever. When you miss your chance, you spend your life with regrets and “what ifs”. That what’s happened between us. We were two kids lost in the world they call adulthood. Something might have happened if I reached for your hand then. Now it’s too late for us._

 

It was a warm evening during summer. Lanterns of all colours were hung on trees and gave the place fairy gaits. The University chose to hold the dinner outside and tables were disposed across the main yard. Woohyun felt a bit nostalgic as he saw the campus again. He had spent four years of his life here. Memories were flowing back in his head and he shook his head to push them away.

“Oh, look ! Our table is this way !” said an excited Sungyeol, clinging on his arm as he tugged him along.

Woohyun only sighed and followed, praying for the time to pass quickly so he’ll find the comfort of his bed. He was deep in those thoughts he was startled when he heard a shriek. Sungyeol detached himself from him to run to someone, visibly excited.

“Yah Kim Myungsoo ! I can’t believe you’re here !”

Woohyun got closer and smiled at the man. Myungsoo had been Sungyeol’s roommate during their college days and was in Arts major. The three of them became friends and stayed pretty close until the man became a famous photographer and moved to New York two years ago. They still kept in touch through mails and rare phone calls but that was it. Sometimes you’re bound to lose friends as you move on in your life.

“Myungsoo-yah, it’s so good to see you ! I thought you moved to New York !” Woohyun greeted him.

Myungsoo was smiling and hugged them both, happy to meet them.

“Yah Kim Myungsoo, how come you didn’t tell us you were back in Seoul ?” Sungyeol reproached him.

“Because I’m not.” Myungsoo smiled in that unique smile of his. “My mother receives my letters now that I’m not in Korea anymore. She told me about the reunion and since I wanted to see everyone again, I bought a plane ticket and here I am. I will stay for a week before heading back to New York.”

“I’m happy for you.” Woohyun said. “I read an article about your work in a magazine. You seem to do pretty well in New York.”

“Well, it’s a very inspiring city. So full of life it’s vibrant. You can feel it deep in your core. You should come to New York Woohyun-ah. Writers do well there.”

“Yah, I already lost one friend to New York, I won’t let the other go !” Sungyeol said, wrapping his arms around him like a possessive child.

Myungsoo and Woohyun laughed at him before walking to their table. People were already sitting there. Three men were sitting there.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe my own eyes !” Sungyeol said excitedly as he spotted someone and ran the rest of the way.

When they arrived at the table, they spotted the reason of Sungyeol eagerness right away.

“Dongwoo-hyung !” Woohyun felt himself smiling as he recognized his former classmate. The man had been, like Sungyeol and himself, a Literature major. They rubbed shoulders during four years, friendship coming along the way. Last time Woohyun saw him was on a dedication event Dongwoo came to, congratulating him for his book. He learned then that he became a Literature teacher in a high school which was good, because Dongwoo had always wanted to teach.

“Woohyun !” Dongwoo flashed him his famous bright smile.

Sungyeol unwrapped himself from Dongwoo to let Woohyun greet him. Myungsoo himself was greeting a former classmate, Lee Sungjong, who was now a graphic designer at an animation studio. They sat around the round table. Dongwoo sat on his previous seat, Sungyeol went next to him, Woohyun between him and Myungsoo while the photograph took place next to his classmate. Woohyun set eyes on the only quiet person around, between Dongwoo and the man named Sungjong. He pouted, unsure of himself as he looked at the man whose head was down as he seemed busy looking at his phone.

“Your phone is that exciting that you did not give yourself the trouble to greet newcomers ? It’s not very polite.” He pointed out, making the stranger raise his head, making their eyes meet.

Woohyun froze and cursed himself internally. He should have been more cautious.

“Howon-ah, Woohyun is right. Just drop the phone for a couple of hours. None of your patients are within your responsibility right now. Those doctors, I swear…” Dongwoo said.

“Sorry.” Howon said, putting the phone in his jacket’s pocket. “I didn’t meant to offend anyone.”

Woohyun almost scoffed. It was so typical of him. Always so calm, so collected, so sure of being right all the time. Namely Lee Howon, Dongwoo’s roommate during college days. Or in other words, Woohyun’s outdated crush.

“I’m sorry Howon-shi. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like this.”

“Woohyun-ah, since when do you speak formally ?” Dongwoo asked. “You shouldn’t bother for him. Since this is a reunion, we should all get along and have fun !”

With Sungyeol and Dongwoo combined enthusiasm as their mood-maker, the table soon turned joyful. Sungyeol spoke with great interest about cartoon movies creation process with Sungjong while Myungsoo and Dongwoo were discussing over the acknowledgement of street art as Art. Woohyun and Howon were the only quiet ones. Woohyun wanted to break the ice but it was hard. First, they were never close friends, and the few times they hang out together back in college was because of Dongwoo. Second, Lee Howon had been Woohyun’s secret crush for, let’s be honest, all his college years. He never did anything about it since the number of girls Howon had been with tipped the scales in the straight side. Woohyun had drowned his sorrow into his studies and did so well he was scooted by a newspaper company just after graduation. He resigned himself a long time ago. The reason he was so taken aback is that he never expected to see the man again.

“I read you book.” Howon suddenly said, stopping his thoughts.

“Oh, really ?” he said, surprised, not expecting this. “That’s nice of you.”

“I knew you would make it.” Howon smiled. “You had it in you. Even back in college, when you wrote in the University newspaper… You always were good at writing.”

Woohyun felt his heart skip a bit at those words.

“Hum…” he cleared his throat. “I never knew you, hum, took interest in my work back then.” He said, embarrassed to feel himself blush.

“Well, you did mention you were part of the journal’s team once and I read it out of curiosity.” He shrugged.

“I would’ve never thought you would care.” He confessed, and something passed in Howon’s eyes but it was gone before Woohyun could define what it was.

“What about you ?” Woohyun asked to dispel the uneasiness that begin to settle. “I know you’ve been to med school after obtaining your Bachelor. From what Dongwoo said earlier, I guess you became a doctor.”

“Yes, I did.” Howon said positively. “I’m currently working at the University hospital but I received an offer to do my surgery specialization in Boston. I’m leaving next month.”

“Oh…” Woohyun said, sounding a bit disappointed. “That’s great for you ! I mean, the States are more advanced than us in the medical field. I guess you’ll learn a lot.” He said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“I guess so.” Howon said shyly.

The conversation generalized itself when the first dishes arrived. Sungyeol started to complain about how hard his job was –being Woohyun’s editor, that is– making everyone laugh but the man concerned. Then Dongwoo started to recall memories and funny stories about college. Howon being his former roommate and Sungyeol as a former classmate were his main victims. Then Myungsoo started to talk about his life and New York and how different the country was compared to theirs. He especially gave advices to Howon since the man would be new in this estranged land. By the end of the evening, everyone exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch. Myungsoo made Howon promise he would contact him when he’ll move to Boston and Howon felt grateful to know at least one person in the States before his departure. They walked together in the alleys of the campus, remembering their own days there. Sungjong left first, taking a cab to go home. Dongwoo, Sungyeol and Myungsoo planned to go on a bar to talk some more, but Woohyun started to feel tired and not felt up to it so he declined. Howon declined too, saying he had an early shift at the hospital tomorrow.

“Howon-ah, can you do me a favour and drive Woohyun home ?” Sungyeol asked. “We came together with my car so I don’t know how he will make it home without me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Woohyun answered him. “I’m a big boy. I’ll take a cab. Why do you bother people ?”

“It’s not a bother.” Howon said. “I can drive you home.”

“I live too far from here. It’s getting late and you must be tired. Plus you have work tomorrow. Go home and rest, I’ll take a cab.” Woohyun insisted, but he almost forgot how stubborn Lee Howon was.

“I can drive you home. I want to.” He concluded in a whisper.

That made Woohyun shut up and nod in agreement. The ride was quiet and a bit uncomfortable. Woohyun had never been left alone with Howon before, so he didn’t know how to act. And the fact that he had a crush on this guy in college didn’t helped. He was embarrassed, to say the least.

“So, hum… Are you working on a new novel ?” Howon asked, visibly trying to make some efforts to break the ice.

“I am trying, but nothing comes to my mind. I have a writer’s block.”

“Oh… And you can’t write anything ?”

“Nothing I’m satisfied with.”

“Maybe you should try to not think so much about it. You know… write without thinking if it’s good or bad.” Howon said hesitantly.

“I fear this is something I can’t do.” Woohyun said with a small smile. “I’m a control freak when it comes to writing. I weigh each of my words to see if it comes right or not.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Howon said, making him frown.

“What do you mean ?”

“Well, as for your book _The Wanderings of a Lost Soul_ , it goes without saying, naturally. It feels like you wrote it in one go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s not polished or anything… I guess I just want to say that you are good at telling stories. You shouldn’t focus so much on the form and just work on the content.”

Woohyun remained speechless. Not only Howon had read his book, but he seemed genuinely interested by his writing. That made Woohyun a bit uneasy. If Howon kept being so nice, he feared his long repressed feelings resurface. The rest of the ride was silent as Woohyun was in conflict with himself and did not utter a word. When Howon parked in front of his residence, he regained his voice.

“Howon-ah… I know you will leave the country in a month but… During the remaining time… Can we see each other ?” he asked, so shy he looked at his lap, not daring to meet the other’s eyes.

A long silence followed his sentence and Woohyun was sure he’ll face rejection but instead, Howon handed him his phone. Woohyun looked at him, not knowing what he expected. Howon must have realised because he sighed.

“Save your number.” He explained.

Woohyun nodded in agreement and saved his number on the man’s contact list before giving the phone back. Howon immediately dialled his number and, soon enough, Woohyun’s ringtone was hearable.

“Now you have mine.” Howon smiled. “I may not answer during the day because things are hectic in the hospital, but you can leave a message and I’ll call you back or send me a text and I’ll answer.” He mumbled.

“Ok.” Woohyun smiled at him, agreeing. “I’ll call you soon, if you didn’t beat me to it.” He joked before leaving the car. After waving goodbye, he turned around to get in his residence. He noticed that Howon waited he was inside the building to drive off.

 

 

> _Love is too big of a word. It tries to combine every positive feeling the human heart can have and make them convert in one word. You have the love of material things, the love of immaterial like ideas, and you have the love of people. Even here, differences must be made. You have filial love, the one you have for your family. You have friendly love or friendly appreciation for your friends. But the most complicated is the love between two people. Here again, it can be a will of love. In this case, people create it because they pursue the ideal of love. True love is rarer. You must have luck on your side to find the one, knowing we are billions on Earth. There are people you meet once and that’s enough to change your life. There are people you cross path with many times without seeing them. And lastly, there are people you meet but understand the importance too late. Looking back, I realised we were similar on this, you and I. Both of us realised our chance when we missed it. As a matter of fact, this instant is engraved in my soul forever. Never before, I felt so much like a total loser._

 

Woohyun called first three days later. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon, the kind of period who let you bored to death. Surprisingly, Howon wasn’t working and agreed to meet up. They did in a small café Woohyun had his habits. The place was comfy and gave a certain feeling of warmth and security. He liked to come here for a cup of coffee and let the atmosphere inspire him. He told Howon that, and the man laughed, saying it was so much like him. They talked about anything and everything, mostly catching up with each other’s lives, until one employee told them they were about to close.

Looking outside, Woohyun realised night had fallen. He let out a surprised sound as he checked on his phone.

“Wow, time surely flies fast !” he exclaimed as it was almost ten.

“It’s because you’re in good company.” Howon pointed out.

Woohyun scoffed and punched his shoulder, making the doctor laugh. Woohyun’s heart skipped a beat as he looked at the man, completely dazzled, before regaining his composure. It wasn’t the time to get his feelings known by the man he pinned for during all his college years.

“Do you want to have dinner somewhere ?” Howon asked. “I’m getting hungry.”

Woohyun weighed the pros and cons in his head before nodding slowly. Even if he would never admit it, even to himself, being with him won over everything.

 

They started to see each other regularly, to the point it became a daily occurrence. Woohyun will drop by the coffee shop nearby the hospital in the morning so they could have breakfast together, or wait for Howon at the end of his shift so they could hang out together. All this time spent with Howon not only brought back feelings he thought over for years. It made him Woohyun fall in love again. When he first met Howon, both of them were college students, young and trying to build a future for themselves, trying to become adults. Now was a completely different thing.

They were adults, both having successful careers, both more mature and accomplished. Woohyun fell in love again not with his old crush, but to the person he became, and that was a problem. Old feelings he could never fulfil were easily pushed away and repressed, new ones meant having to process with letting Howon slip through his fingers _again_ , going through heartbreak _again_ , nursing his broken heart _again_ , think he will never be able to fall in love and be happy _again_. So yes, if Woohyun had to be completely honest, when he was by himself thinking about what he was getting into, he saw it coming. He was just too deep to stop by himself.

It’s common to say time flies in good company. It goes even faster with someone you love. A month is a short amount of time, enough to revive an old flame but insufficient to build something true, something that could last. Woohyun knew and acknowledged it. That did not mean it was easy to let go. Ironically, the one giving him a wake-up call was the man that put him into that state.

“Woohyun-ah, are you free tonight ?” was the first he heard Howon say after he picked up.

“For you, always.” He chuckled. “Is your shift over ? Should we grab some dinner ?”

“I didn’t work today.” Howon said.

“Why ?” Woohyun asked, only to hear a blank in the conversation.

“Let’s meet. It’s not the kind of discussion I want to have over the phone.” Howon said.

Woohyun frowned, feeling something was wrong but agreed nevertheless. They planned to meet in their favourite spot, a bench facing the Han River. They often went there recently, bringing take-out and beers, kind of improvised picnic. Woohyun loved that spot. The scenery made him feel as if it was a romantic outing. Don’t judge him, he took what he could.

“So, what is so important you can’t say it on the phone ?” he said playfully while Howon sat next to him.

“Don’t you remember ?” Howon said in a low voice, sounding a bit disappointed.

“What ?” Woohyun asked, a frown appearing on his delicate features. “What should I remember ?”

“I’m flying to Boston tomorrow.” Howon said, cutting to the chase right away.

A long silence followed his statement. It crept in quickly, filling the space, leaving them hanging in a cold and awkward atmosphere.

“Well, that was the plan, right ? You must be happy, being able to specialize in surgery there…” he smiled, trying hard to keep composure, to not show his heart was actually breaking.

Howon gave him a look, as if he tried to see if he was lying, so Woohyun smiled wider, ignoring the tickling feelings of tears wanting to fall. Howon seemed to find him convincing because he gave him a weak smile and nodded.

“Yes. I am truly happy.” Howon leaned of the bench, looking away.

Woohyun noticed he looked as if upset, disappointed and a bit sad too. Not understanding what it was about, he put his hand above Howon’s resting on the bench and intertwined their fingers. The doctor looked at him, not understanding his gesture. The place, the time, the moment… Woohyun thought for a second it was his chance to confess his feelings, the old and the new. He looked in Howon’s enquiring eyes and opened his mouth but wasn’t able to utter a sound. Woohyun then faked a laugh to get rid of the embarrassment.

“There’s no need to be so awkward. Yes you’re leaving, but it doesn’t mean we can’t remain friends !” he said, waving it off.

“Of course… We can be friends.” Howon said, his eyes and voice unreadable.

“Good !” Woohyun smiled. “We can always stay friends. In the light of our friendship, do you need me to drop you off at the airport tomorrow ?” he asked, praying in his heart that Howon will agree. He maybe was a masochist, but he wanted to see him off, even knowing it should be the last time he saw him.

“No. Dongwoo hyung already took a day off to drive me there.” Howon said, crushing his inner hopes.

“Maybe I can tag along ? I’m sure you have lots of luggage, I could help.”

Even if he tried to sound confident and detached, Woohyun was feeling extremely fragile. He wanted to see him until the last second, he needed it.

“I’ve already sent most of my stuff in Boston, so I don’t have much to carry.”

Woohyun felt hurt but didn’t push it. Somehow he felt like Howon didn’t wanted him around. So instead of asking an explication like any normal person would, he withdrew into silence.

 

The next day, Woohyun was apathetic. The only thing he could think above was that Howon was leaving, that he was losing the man he loved for the second time and did nothing against it. He passed his morning blaming himself, slumped in his couch. Sungyeol came to check on him around noon. He started nagging because Woohyun didn’t write anything in months and the publisher threatened to end the novelist’s contract. Everything Sungyeol said just flew in the air, having no impact on him. He was currently too busy internally crying over his lot.

“Yah ! You could answer me at least !” Sungyeol shouted, getting upset.

Maybe it was the sudden shout combined to the emotions pilling up that made Woohyun suddenly burst into tears. Sungyeol immediately dropped the angry face and sat next to him, concerned.

“Hey Woohyun, what’s going on ?” he asked, now gently.

“Howon… He’s living… today…” Woohyun said between sobs.

“Oh Woohyun…” Sungyeol sympathized, hugging his best friend. He was aware of Woohyun’s crush on the pre-med student during their college years, and he had thought his friend moved on. But since their recent college meeting, he suspected Woohyun got caught into old feelings. “It’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.” He said, rubbing his back. He felt like the biggest idiot on earth to say such things, but Woohyun needed to believe it.

“Why is it him ? Why can’t I meet someone else and fall in love like any normal person ?” Woohyun cried on his shoulder. “Why is it him even though I’ve always known it was unrequited love ?”

“Maybe because you never got the chance to tell him what you feel ?” Sungyeol suggested, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him.

“I do love him… I love him so much but I know… I will never have a single chance, so what’s the point ?”

Sungyeol was about to answer when Woohyun’s phone started to ring. Thinking it might be Howon, he removed himself from Sungyeol’s embrace and grabbed his phone. The caller’s ID dashed his hopes.

“Yes Dongwoo hyung ?” Woohyun answered.

“Oh thank God you answered Woohyun-ah !” Dongwoo exclaimed, sounding relieved. “Listen, I am at Incheon Airport with Howon. I had to put the remaining of Howon’s stuff in a rented box but completely forgot ! The thing is, his old apartment is already rented and the new occupants arrive today. If we don’t empty the place, his things will be thrown away and it will hate me to death ! Please Woohyun-ah, can you go over there and get the last boxes. I’ve already taken care of most of it, it’s only a few things… Please help me on this one !”

“Of course. Just text me the box address, I’ll deliver it.” Woohyun agreed.

“Thank you Woohyun ! I owe you one !”

“Don’t mention it.”

“What was that about ?” Sungyeol asked as soon as he ended the call.

“Dongwoo hyung has to empty Howon’s apartment today or his things will be discarded. Since he’s currently in Incheon, he asked me if I could do it.” Woohyun sighed.

“And you said yes !” Sungyeol said, disapproving. “You know, I don’t think dip into your crush’s stuff will help you to move on.”

“I won’t dip into it, just deliver them to a safe place.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I don’t care what you think. So, you’re willing to help or not ?”

It was Sungyeol’s turn to sigh.

 

The caretaker of the building, a nice lady in her fifties, led them to what used to be Howon’s apartment.

“Don’t forget, the new occupants arrive at four in the afternoon so you must finish by then. Here are the keys. Just put them inside my mailbox in the hallway when you finish. I leave you at it.” She said before handing the keys to Woohyun. The two friends thanked her before getting into the apartment. It was a simple two room apartment. All the furniture were removed, leaving the space bare. Only a pile of boxes were stacked in a corner of the room.

“Dongwoo hyung said it wasn’t much…” Sungyeol growled.

“Don’t be an ass. It’s only a dozen of boxes… We should get to it.” Woohyun said, rolling up his sleeves.

Half an hour and a couple of goings and comings between the apartment and Woohyun’s car were enough to clear the place.

“Woohyun-ah, we should get going.” Sungyeol said on his way out.

Woohyun stayed behind, looking around at what was Howon’s home for the past couple of years, taking in the last piece of him left behind before the complete nothingness of his absence crept in. He looked around, opening the cupboards to seek for something they forgot and, almost by inadvertence, he opened the door to another room. The room bathed in a halo of light due to large windows on one wall. Woohyun guessed it was Howon’s former bedroom since a bed and wardrobe were still present.

He walked to the window and slid it open, inhaling deeply the air of winter. The weather was sharp cold this days, and Woohyun hoped they could have a snowy Christmas. Turning aside, he sat on the bed and smoothed the crumpled sheet, wondering how many nights it had spent with the only one he had ever loved. He let out a sight, ready to leave, when something caught his eye.

There was a box on top of the wardrobe. It wasn’t a cardboard box like the ones he and Sungyeol moved earlier. This one looked like a storage box, large and suspiciously purple. Woohyun stood up and walked to the wardrobe to catch it. But he wasn’t that tall and the box was on top of a freaking wardrobe. He stood on tiptoe and while the arms to catch it. His suffering lasted a few seconds before he managed to grasp the box. Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the box put him off balance and he fell, dropping the box. The lid opened and the contents scattered on the floor.

“Fuck !” he cursed, for the pain he felt and for the mess he made.

Still kneeling on the floor, he grabbed the box, intending to put the things it contained back in. He grabbed the first notebooks he could grasp and put them back, before moving to papers which have probably fell off a folder. It wasn’t his intention to look into it, but what he saw stunned him beyond imagination. It was an old article, carefully cut out from a newspaper. Actually, it wasn’t even a proper newspaper, just the rag their university published. The article was written to protest against the new grading system to pressure students, which the author called “harassing measures not taking into account the human and pressuring students to become machines.” The article was dated 2010 and had been written by a hothead Literature student who made so much noise, rallying the entire student body, so much so that their prestigious university had to put an end to their measures. Woohyun remembered it very clearly, as if it was yesterday, because it has been what he considered as his first fight as a committed writer.

Distraught by what he found, Woohyun gathered the fallen papers. Most of them were articles he had written during his college years, but he found political and economic articles he had wrote has a journalist after graduation. In a state of shock, Woohyun forgot all principles about not digging into people’s stuff and started to open files, looking into them while his heart raced. All contained articles he wrote, or interviews he made with personalities during his journalistic experience. In one ring binder, titled as his first novel, he found everything about his debut career as a novelist. The interviews he gave, the articles written about him, the critics, top selling books rankings with his own on top of the charts…

Febrile by his discovery, he looked into the notebooks. The oldest were titled by academic years and he opened one randomly, covering the year 2011/2012. Howon’s writing wasn’t so neat, and Woohyun smiled at the thought that he had a doctor like handwriting.

 

_November 21, 2011_

_Dongwoo hyung forgot his wallet in our dorm room so I brought it to him. He really has his head in the clouds. The positive point is, I got to see him today. Woohyun seems tired, I guess it’s the exams coming up. Dongwoo hyung also mentioned he worked part-time in a coffee shop in addition to his associative involvement in the university newspaper. Maybe I should ask Dongwoo hyung the address and show up there blaming a natural coincidence. No, Dongwoo hyung will tell I asked him… I guess I have to reflect on the matter._

 

Woohyun flipped pages and read another entry.

 

_January 14, 2012_

_I met Woohyun by chance today. It was really unexpected, and caught me out of guard. I was unable to utter a proper sentence, and our conversation –if it can be referred like this– didn’t even made it to the five minutes. It’s not entirely my fault. I was about to grab a book in the library and as if by fate, another hand was grabbing the same book. I looked down and when I saw him, or more specifically his smile, I guess my brain went short circuit. He asked me if my exams went well and if I had nice holidays. He’s always so nice with everyone, making people feel they truly matter. I wish I could be like that, making people happy just with a pat on the shoulder and a smile. It must be some kind of gift._

 

Dropping the notebook he was reading, Woohyun grabbed another, flipping the pages with the same frenzy.

 

_June 20, 2013_

_I can’t believe I’m graduating already. Now that I finally finished pre-med school, I am able to pursue the one thing I came to Seoul for, becoming a doctor. I was accepted at SNU medical school and my scholarship is maintained. All great news. But there is something I am not satisfied about. As well as me, Woohyun is graduating. Dongwoo hyung told me he won’t pursue a master degree because he got hired by a prestigious newspaper as a journalist already. I can’t believe I won’t see him again. I feel helpless. Dongwoo hyung told me to confess my feelings to him, but I cannot. I’m awfully shy to begin with, and Woohyun is a guy. How can I voice out such feelings ? I don’t know how or what to do, and I don’t want him to despise me. So I guess I’m resolute to not see him ever again. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. Does it hurt ? I got so used to admire him from afar, I was content with that. Now he will leave for good, and I really don’t know what my heart will become._

 

“Yah, I’ve been waiting for you in the car !” Sungyeol suddenly came in the room, breaking Woohyun’s trance. “What is it about ?” he asked at the sight of his best friend on the floor, surrounded by papers.

Woohyun looked up and Sungyeol was shocked to see tears flowing from his eyes.

“Hey, what’s going on ?” Sungyeol asked, crouching to be at his level.

“Howon…” Woohyun sobbed, clutching the notebook. “He loved me… He loved me and I was blind… All this time…”

Sungyeol patted his back, hoping to comfort him, but suddenly Woohyun stood up, wiping away his tears.

“Give me the car keys.” He asked urgently.

“Why do you need…”

“Give me the car keys ! Now !” he shouted, imperative.

A bit stunned, Sungyeol handed him the car keys and watched helplessly Woohyun running away in haste.

 

Not getting into an accident during the ride to the airport was a miracle. He had been in excess of speed all the way, and finished even park his vehicle drop-off area at the airport despite an officer shouted to him that it was forbidden. He ran like mad inside the terminal, getting to the first information counter he came across, breathless.

“The flight for Boston…” he said, trying to regain his breath. “Which boarding gate is it ?”

“Do you have a flight number ?”

“No… I know the flight is in the afternoon… The company is Korean Air, that I’m sure.” He answered.

“I will check.” The employee said, tapping on her computer.

After a few agonizing minutes, the young woman looked at him.

“Korean Air had planned only one flight to Boston this afternoon. I am sorry sir, but the plane already took off.” She said, sounding apologetic.

The news fell on him like a sledgehammer on an anvil, merciless. Woohyun’s knees failed him, and he had to grip the counter to not fall. He couldn’t hear the employee asking if he was alright, he couldn’t see the eyes around looking at him and his strange behaviour. All he could feel was his heart torn into pieces. Before, Woohyun thought nothing could be worse than unrequited love. Being in love with someone you know you can’t have, but still loving that person. He was wrong. The worse pain was becoming aware that there might be something, but realizing this too late, when you can do nothing about it. He had lost, and it was too late now. It was too late for them.

 

**_~~~ Eight months later ~~~_ **

The literary scene speaks only of Nam Woohyun as the author published his second novel, confirming the rise of a talented figure. The book, called _Our Youthful Memories_ , captivated people by the single sentence used to the summary on the back cover. _Imagine and dream, then the world will change how you want it to be._ Only one sentence which hooked already a million of readers as proven by book sales…

The TV was suddenly turned off, making Woohyun turn his head. He saw Sunggyu, his publisher, impeccable in his tailor-made suit.

“Come on or we will be late.” He said, referring to a book signing organized by his Publishing house.

“The event's star should be desired, don’t you think ?” Woohyun said, stretching lazily.

“You’re not an idol but a writer. Writers don’t play hard to get.” Sunggyu said.

Woohyun sighed, standing up from the couch and grabbing his blazer.

“Where is Sungyeol ?” he asked, not seeing his editor nearby.

“Already at the venue. Now before we leave, let’s get things straight. You will be nice to your fans, have a nice word for everyone and most of all, not leave the venue until the event is over. I won’t have you walk out of this and leave a disappointed crowd behind, are we clear ?” Sunggyu said in his businessman mode.

“Yes, we are. Let’s go now, you’re getting annoying.”

 

They arrived at the venue under the crackling flash of photographers. Woohyun waved his hands toward fans before entering the venue. Sungyeol already waited for them inside. He was led by his editor to a table. Three chairs were behind. He sat in the middle, between his publisher and editor. The Publishing Company really put the means to their end. The chosen book store where the fan signing took place was spacious and well decorated. His new book was present in every shelves and Christmas decorations added to the joyful atmosphere. Sunggyu had thought publishing a book during this period will be a huge marketing push for them. He was right. Despite the cold day, hundreds of fans came to get their book signed. Some were queuing since the early morning. Woohyun was grateful to see them. After his long hiatus, he feared he will no longer interest anyone. He was happy to see he was still able to touch people through his writing.

The signing started. He smiled at his fans, exchanged a few words with them and agreed to take photos with those asking. Sunggyu was less tense as time went by, and Sungyeol went away to talk to the book store owners, probably giving some instructions concerning the display of his book.

“Hello !” he greeted yet another reader with his signature charming smile.

“Oh my God, it’s such an honour to meet you in person !” the young girl squealed.

“That’s nice of you to say. Who shall I make it out to ?” he asked her.

“Park Sun Young. I’m a sophomore student in Literature. I hope to be just like you someday.” She smiled.

“Is that so ?” Woohyun smiled, opening the book to sign it. “Well, good luck Park Sun Young-shi.” He smiled as he gave her the book back.

The young woman squealed again, clutching the book against her bosom before one security guard showed her the path to go to the exit. Woohyun dropped his head for an instant, passing his hands over his tired face. He had been here for two hours and another to go. He started to feel the ache on his wrist and tiredness of his eyes, struggling to stay focus.

“Sunggyu hyung, can’t we take a break ?” he asked his publisher. “I feel really tired.”

“Come on Woohyun, think of all the people who still wait for you outside. It’s almost over, endure a little bit longer.” The boss answered.

He sighed as Sunggyu give the green light to a security guard to allow the next person to come forward, indicating the resumption of the event.

“Who shall I make it out to ?” he asked, trying to be cheerful, as another book was put in front of him.

“To Lee Howon…” a masculine, oh so familiar voice answered.

Woohyun raised his head suddenly, almost snapping his nape in the process. When his eyes showed him Howon standing in front of him, he thought he was dreaming. It had been a long day, he had been at it for hours, obviously his brain played tricks on him, tricks that made him unable to move, to speak, to have a single coherent thought. He wanted to stand up, to reach that beautiful mirage but he felt Sunggyu’s hand on his knee, impeding him to move.

“…who finally has the courage to confess feelings he kept in his heart for nearly seven years.” He ended, smiling at him.

Woohyun felt his heart race, his throat tightening and tears prickling his eyes. He didn’t know if he was dreaming or if he went mad, but he could see Howon right now, so he didn’t cared.

“Was it difficult ?” he managed to ask, voice weak and trying hard to remain composed.

“Actually, it was the second hardest thing I ever had to do.” Howon answered.

“What was the first ?” Woohyun asked, feeling lost in the dark pupils of his dream.

Howon leaned forward until he was close enough to whisper in his ear something only him would hear.

“Leaving you.” He whispered softly, his breath caressing Woohyun’s skin and sending shivers on his spine, making him know from his core that this was real.

Woohyun couldn’t even enjoy his missed warmth as Howon straightened right away, pushing the book toward him. With a smile, he took it, scrambling something down before giving it back. And when their hands touched, he felt a spark spreading from his hands to the rest of his body.

“Thank you.” Howon said before taking a few steps away, in direction of the exit. He stopped midway to open the book, and _I love you_ written on the flyleaf made him smile wider and turning around to the author of those three little words. Their eyes connected, and right here, something happened. A mutual recognition, an evidence. And for now, they needed nothing more.

 

**Author's Note:**

> One-shot written for the AFF Infinite Secret Santa Event. Originally published on AFF under the username Eye-Candy, not different much :)  
> Thanks to AnneOnym of Spotlight Posters (AFF) for the graphic.


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